A Roundup of the Best Gambling April Fools Stories
Apr 2, 2014
April Fool’s is the worldwide day of laughter. We’re bringing you some of the best fictional stories from around the web, some of which are almost plausible.
The best April Fools stories from this year:
Keep it in the zipper buddy
This one is too good to be true. Literally, it’s not true. But only if it was… CalvinAyre reported that a middle-aged man known only as “Mr. McCullough” was hospitalized in Essex after suffering an unfortunate accident with a slot machine at a local betting shop. Mr. McCullough reportedly entered the shop visibly drunk before getting into an altercation with security.
Something about the betting shop coupled with his intoxicated state caused the man to be overtaken by feelings of passion. Refusing to leave in an orderly fashion, Mr. McCullough began relieving himself of that most primal of human desires on the nearest slot machine he could find. Said Ms. Patricia Staker, a fellow patron of the shop: “He just dropped his pants and launched himself at this machine… For a while he seemed to be enjoying himself, until we heard this ‘chunk’ noise and he started wailing like a guillotine had come down on him. Served him right.”
Mr. McCullough was hospitalized but looks to have avoided any permanent damage. As for the poor slot machine, the real victim in this story, it has “permanently decommissioned.” The owner of the betting shop has not yet announced whether he will press charges, but if so Mr. McCullough could face up to a year in prison for indecent exposure. Maybe he should avoid betting shops and stick to mobile sports betting.
Nevada bans gambling while sober
Businessman Terry Watanabe is locked in an ongoing court case against Harrah’s, at whose casinos he lost $127 million in 2007. He claims that managers at both Caesar’s and the Rio exploited his gambling addiction and alcoholism by supplying him with large amounts of alcohol and painkillers and encouraging him to place outrageously large bets. This fueled his already terrible blackjack strategy. One security guard at Caesar’s told reporters that he “does not recall ever seeing Mr. Watanabe in a sober state.”
Given the smashing success of Harrah’s business model of getting players as drunk as humanly possible while still being able to physically play table games, the state’s casino industry lobbied for legislative changes. A news outlet announced yesterday that the State of Nevada recently passed a law that anyone entering a casino must be visibly drunk, which is to be determined by an on-staff inspector. In addition, anyone deemed to be sober at a casino will immediately be escorted off of the premises.
Vegas fisting heroics
Roulette reported the following headline: “Vegas Gunman Fisted into Submission by Heroic Male Strippers.” The story goes that a Vegas baddie entered the Excalibur disguised as an exotic male dancer. His ingenious plot: sneak backstage and steal loads of male stripper gear including costumes, leotards and speedos.
Seems harmless enough, right? Well, the resident performers at the Excalibur did not take kindly to the imposter. Six male strippers forcibly subdued the man and held him until police arrive on the scene. It’s not known whether he is the kind of guy who would enjoy being held captive by a bunch of male strippers. He faces a potentially long prison sentence, his main crime not being the attempted theft but the fact that he brought a handgun along with him.
So people, please think twice before attempting to steal stripper costumes from a Vegas casino. The friendly entertainers on the Vegas Strip don’t appreciate threats to their gear, and the police won’t go lightly on you either.
Sheldon Adelson to back King Abdullah for 2016 election
Sheldon Adelson’s search for an anti-online gambling candidate to back for the 2016 Presidential election in the US is over, an unknown source reports. He announced on April 1st that he will put his massive bankroll behind King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, a man with a time-tested commitment to crushing online gambling with brutal force.
As a staunch proponent of Sharia law, which prohibits all forms of gambling, Abdullah’s government punishes online gambling by public flogging. While the 89-year old king may not live long enough to serve a full term as president, you can bet that he’ll do everything he can to get an online gambling ban through Congress. Americans caught playing online blackjack will face cruel punishments and Adelson will be most pleased.
The real Don Johnson takes Atlantic City for $16 million
We all heard the story of Pennsylvania businessman Don Johnson winning $15 million over three separate trips to Atlantic City last year, wiping the Tropicana of its monthly profits and receiving a lifetime ban from all Caesar’s casinos worldwide. Well, 1980s heartthrob actor and Miami Vice star Don Johnson (no relation) didn’t appreciate a man of the same name stealing the spotlight. And given where Johnson’s career has gone, he doesn’t have much spotlight to share.
A secret source reported that he decided to make his own trip to Atlantic City to put the new, upstart Don Johnson back in his place. The actor won $16 million over three weekends, just enough to put himself on top. His $5.5 million run at the Tropicana resulted in the firing of CEO Tony Rodio, who was promoted after predecessor Mark Giannantonio was fired following the other Johnson’s $5 million run.
Tropicana has since filed for bankruptcy and both Don Johnsons are banned from Atlantic City’s casinos for life. But the once famous actor reasserted his dominance, showing that the town is only big enough for one Don Johnson (well, technically it isn’t big enough for either of them).