The Hipster Guide to Blackjack
Apr 4, 2014
Hipsters are known for dedicating their time to unique and culture-laden past-times; but how do you think one would fare in a game of blackjack?
There is an epidemic gripping the world right now, or at least some people would tell you so; it comes in the form of cardigan-wearing, coffee-drinking, music-elitist-being, counter-culture individuals who answer to the name of, Hipsters.
Actually, they won’t answer to that name as a key characteristic of a hipster is that they will profusely deny being a hipster; likely whilst berating you from behind their extra-skinny-double-espresso-latte for: A. Using a derogatory term, because that’s, like, so not in harmony with the earth man; and B. Resorting to medieval-aged generic name-calling, because like, can’t you like generate, like, your own witty insult?
Name-calling aside, we’ve managed to track down one of these fine creatures and get his ultimate and exclusive Hipster Guide to Blackjack; including all the hipster blackjack tips, tricks and strategies. Remember that you read it hear first, before it was cool.
Hipster at The Casino
First things first, this hipster’s got to get his skinny-jeans wearing ass to the casino. The preferred method of our ‘friend’ is usually on his trusty fixed-gear bicycle; sure, gears are helpful for hills and everything but why should someone be confined to multiple gears? Nothing is better than a single-gear transport vehicle, right?
Meta-Hipster Casino Tips
• Don’t even gamble, it’s way too mainstream
• Tell the dealer you heard about the song that’s playing, years ago
• Remember to remind everyone else that you used to like casinos, but now they are too popular
After much peddling and no doubt deep pondering, the hipster or hipsters, will arrive at the casino; usually, this will be at whatever time they feel like because there are no rules or schedules during life’s great explorations of the self. Most would agree, hipsters and non-hipsters alike, that there’s nowhere quite like the casino to give you a good sense of yourself.
If you are a desperate gambling-fan hipster who can’t make it out to the casino – who knows maybe you’re too busy tying to sew yourself a pair of yarn underwear – fear not, as there are plenty iPhone gambling routes to take which can still be played under the hipster guide.
You can even take a screenshot of your game and apply some totally chill, sepia filters onto it.
Never Follow Blackjack Strategy
The first rule of hipster strategy is to never follow standard basic blackjack strategy. Usually the aim of the game is to hit 21,try and convince the dealer and others at your table that this rule has become too popular, and that maybe this game should try and get to 23; tell them it’s your spiritual number and it’s full of harmony.
If you’re thinking about standing on those two 10’s you’ve been dealt; don’t. Hipsters always split 10’s; that non-splitting rule is so mainstream anyway, and as a hipster, you are counter to the mainstream.
If you failed at persuading the others into a game of 23 and are relegated to only playing ‘standard’ blackjack, then always hit; unless you’re on 21 already. No-one will expect it and ladies at the table will surely swoon at your radical playing techniques, if they haven’t already at the sight of your ironic-but-still-cool mustache.
Be sure to repeatedly question the dealer as to why they don’t offer brownjack, or maybe greenjack at the casino too; remind them that their reluctance to change the name is a blatant form of creative oppression, something which is rife throughout the American nation.
You’re there, but you’re actually somewhere else; somewhere ‘cool’
When it’s your turn to act and the dealer indicates this, don’t respond right away, that would be very clichéd. Imagine that you are lost in a thought, perhaps about the plight of the poverty stricken children of the third world or the insolence of your favorite coffee-shop no longer hand-grinding the beans.
Openly lament at the lack of taste present with the interior décor choices; the louder you do this, the more hipster points you will win. If any unfortunate soul strikes up a conversation with you throughout the evening, always quickly remember that other time you did something similar but way much cooler than their story.
Ultimately, your main purpose of going to the casino as a hipster isn’t to win money; that’s what everyone else is there to try and do. You’re there to remind everyone how capitalist and un-natural the whole system of gambling is; be sure to express your disdain for mass-organizational corporate structures too.
Most importantly, always have a look of apathy plastered across your face as you do everything though, you wouldn’t want them to think you actually care about something; you’re laid back, remember?
If you get yourself kicked out, that’s the best outcome you could hope for; cycle home as fast as you can and tell the world about how you almost brought down the capitalist machine; although, you never succeeded as you were thwarted by pig-headed fools and witnessed first-hand oppression; spread the news via your ‘freedom of expression’ blog of course.
If an underground online gambling committee picks up your post, you might just get inducted into the Hipster Blackjack Hall of Fame; although, this sounds impressive, but it’s actually not as cool as it used to be.