50 Shades of Blackjack: the S&M Casino
Mar 25, 2014
If there was such a thing as an S&M casino, what sort of things would go inside the walls?
Okay, so before we get into that, I’d like to issue a friendly warning; this article is going to be weird. Like, really weird. Now that’s out of the way, let’s begin.
For some, the word casino alone will conjure up images of social degenerates, dangerous drug use, seedy pit-men and beautiful yet brain-dead women; all coming together in a shady betting-den over copious drinking and excessive smoking. This article is for those people.
To take this stereotype one step further, we’ve imagined an extreme sadomasochist casino hidden on the outskirts of the famous Las Vegas strip; we’ve also came up with the sort of games that could be expected to be played in such an establishment.
Wearing leather is absolutely an entry requirement; no leather, no dice.
Sadists and masochists: rejoice!
For those who are unaware, sadomasochism is defined as the giving or receiving of pleasure, which is often of a sexual nature, from acts involving the infliction or reception of pain or humiliation. The official slogan for the S&M casino is ‘Pain, Sex, and Humiliation: under One Roof’; pretty straight forward. Now, let’s take a look at the place.
Player perks at the S&M
• Free drinks (unlimited)
• Potential to win bedroom toys
• Mixed bathrooms (if you dig that sort of thing)
If you take a long stroll away from the Vegas strip, and choose to wander down one of those dark alleys that frighten you, you might end up at this casino. Tucked away out of plain sight and perhaps also local law jurisdiction, sits the infamous S&M Casino. You’ll know it right away; it’s the one with the doormen in gimp suits.
For those who get this far, its time to step in, pull up a chair, watch out for the stains and start playing the tables. You might find that winning at blackjack in this casino isn’t quite what you’d expect…
The first game up looks quite like blackjack, but not exactly; your dealer would inform you that this is actually Slap Blackjack. Did I mention the dealers are also in bondage suits? No? Well, they are.
Slap Blackjack is a variation of the regular, classic form of blackjack; sure the casino also has one of those tables for squares, but who wants to hear about ‘normal’ blackjack? That’s right, not the people reading this article.
In this take on the classic, blackjack rules remain much the same besides one minor variation. Bets are placed, and each player is playing against the dealer. However, in Slap Blackjack if someone gets dealt 21 with a face card and an ace, they win a special kind of prize; everyone at the table gets to slap said player once hard in their face, or twice on their ass. Preference lies with the slapper, not the slapped.
If you stick around at the table long enough you’ll probably get to slap your dealer, but they might not be able to feel it through all that latex.
Regular casino table manners go out the window in this take on roulette. For starters, there isn’t a wheel and ball as you would assume. However, the games’ principles remain the same.
For each game, there is a ‘lucky’ naked dude strapped down, who gets spun Wheel-of-Fortune-style on a big massive game wheel. So where’s the ball? Well as I said, there is no ball. Instead, that one ‘lucky’ dudes, shall we say manhood, will be pointing out the winning number after each spin. Other than that it’s just regular roulette.
One note: if a player places a bet on red and it comes in, the dealer will hand you a special prize of a brand new whip that you can take home with you as a souvenir; if it’s on black and you win, you get furry handcuffs. How kind.
Most people’s casino strategy is to head straight to the poker tables, so they can show off their un-readable poker faces and superior bluffing skills. Good luck with that at the S&M casino, where they only offer one kind of poker; its called Hot-Poker Poker and it is exactly what it sounds like. Again, usual rules apply, with a slight change. The table has one dealer and five ‘poker-men’; these are the guys you want to pay attention to.
Players must try to keep their cool while the masked ‘poker-men’ surround the table brandishing red-hot metal sticks. This may be a bit of a challenge even for the seasoned gambler. They’re there to remind you of the potential fate, should you get dealt a hand which consists of a 6 and 9 of the same suit. Should this happen, everyone at the table will scream sixty-nine in your face and you’ll have one of those pokers pressed into your flesh. Then, the hands are re-dealt and play continues.
Delightful isn’t it?
So going to this casino isn’t really about winning money, it’s about losing face. Lots of losing face. I suppose you could win a whip.
Clearly this is not the sort of place for the faint-hearted, but one look at the casinos slogan would tell you that in an instant. We’ve only touched on all that the S&M has to offer, but you don’t want to know what goes on in the V.I.P basement sections, trust me.
If society, as most suspect, is genuinely headed in a downward spiral toward a world of crime, sordid behavior, impersonal relationships, and general blatant debauchery, we can expect something like the S&M Casino just over the horizon.
Well, at least the drinks are free; I think I’ll have rum, a double. Thanks.